its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
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It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
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I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???