good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."