I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.