I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
