My hair reeks of homosexuality.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
