Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
