god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
