Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
