You're my little dorito
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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