Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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