I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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