Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
