nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
