Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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