9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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