"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
