I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
