Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
