he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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