threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
