i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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