he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
