Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We had to coat check the pizza.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
