Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
