Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
