Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Randomize
