he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
