It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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