my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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