we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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