He is such a slut. More and more my type.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
