I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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