We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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