this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
that may or may not have been my penis.
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