Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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