I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Randomize
