Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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