so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
