he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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