I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
