Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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