When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
