i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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