I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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