You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
