What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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