just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
