I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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