Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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