oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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