It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
