Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
