im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
