My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
