I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
