I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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