she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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