So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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