Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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