I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
