God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
