Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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