i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
