If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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