My liver just broke up with me...
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
